Pastor Janae’s Blog

In our Church Wide Study on 1/4/09 where we began journeying through the book Groups: Life-Giving Power of Community by John Ortberg, et al, we discovered that “the right idea of friendship involves the mutual exchange of knowledge, kindness, service, and celebration.” So often our friendships include a combination of each of these, but is it mutual?

After walking through this lesson I became more sensitive to the “mutual exchange” in a few of my friendships. In one friendship in particular, I noticed that I was giving a lot (knowledge, kindness, service, and celebration) and expecting a lot in return, but made excuses for the other person every time they fell short. I discovered it was a grossly dysfunctional friendship and I contributed to the dysfunction! I contributed to the dysfunction because I never communicated my expectations or needs in the friendship. I have negotiated myself out of the disappointment I frequently feel and subconsciously give the other party permission to continue the behavior. I asked myself recently, “What kind of friendship is this?”

Now don’t get me wrong. I know that friendships involve risk, vulnerability, energy and time. I know that they also involve healthy doses of conflict. I also believe that God delights in life-giving friendships. Those are the friendships in which we are mutually strengthened, nurtured, and corrected! What benefit is our friendship to the Kingdom of God if we don’t challenge one another to grow and mature in it?

You may have asked yourself the question, “What kind of friendship is this?” If it’s not the one that involves the mutual exchange of knowledge, kindness, service, and celebration, it may not be the right idea of friendship. You may be participating in a dysfunctional friendship. Join me in taking responsibility and initiative in our friendships. Speak gently, but speak up!